The Wheel of Fortune

That is the Tarot Card that I pulled the other night as I closed my eyes and leaned into this new place of revelation, fear, joy, love and magick I find myself in.
The wonderfully bizarre part is that I knew I would pull that card, or something similar.

I am really feeling that card right now. Fortune.

It is in opening myself to new levels of forsight and stability that I feel this forune manifesting.

In opening myself to fear and the freefall of love I find a new level of beauty fueling and warming this manifestation.

I am so blessed, so lucky, so in love.

This new year will find me focusing much on the future. Dancing on the edge of learning and the sea of overstimulation that comes from trying to see too much too fast.
Limits. Hey, they can be a friend when I care to pay attention to them. Who knew?

Ahhhh.... I am going to take some time to really enjoy this place, this feeling within. This flame kindelling my spirit.

I am humbled and gratefull.

Insights through change.

So looking back over the last few weeks, I am a bit in awe. I have never experienced such a fast and traumatic shifting in my life.
I can say with total surety that I am glad that it happened. I am not happy about how I acted, nor am I happy at the way that I made some good people feel bad.
I can't beat myself up when I make mistakes through growth. Now I am moving on and picking up the pieces, trying to heal any damage done using the new insights and skills that I have been learning.

I cant help but notice how the change in my practices coincides with what happened in my relationship, job and overall life.
The practices that I am dedicated to are ultimately designed to pull, store and consciously use the energy that is all around and within me.
The decisions that I made that lead to the drama of the last few weeks all coincide with times that I had dramatically upped the challenge level of my practices. Taking on exercises that had been too intimidating in the past. Pushing my discipline further, stretching my internal limits.
Now, looking at the breakdown I experienced and overlaying the timing of my practices I can see certain results of the correlation.

I feel like I have more energy right now due to the discipline In my practices and in my diet. This new energy is feeding my capability to be aware around me. So I am seeing patterns in my life much more clearly then before, while also noticing new aspects that I was unaware of before.

Specifically; Relationship has a whole new meaning to me right now. There is a new level of fear that I have in relating to those around me. Not a fear of judgment or abandonment that was the norm in the past, but a fear of the overall responsibility that is required in relating to another. Seeing how much work and attention it takes to truly take another person in. I have had a number of experiences in the last week where I have just been in awe of another person. I will be listening to someone and instead of being in my head thinking about something else, I am enchanted. I cant STOP listening. Like I am learning to listen for the first time and I am so fucking grateful. I feel so connected.
Also their is a new fear around what vulnerability is to me. I am terrified of this new realization on how vulnerable I am actually capable of letting myself be, without freaking out.
This new sensation of letting a part of me fully open to be seen as well as to pour blue/white light out into my reality is fucking Freeeeeekeeeeaaay! ..... And I like it:).
I experienced it for the first time, viscerally, on the fucking bus!. I'm sitting there following my fear inside, trying to see the root and then something fucking weird happened. My fear turned into terror, my whole body felt like it was buzzing, all the colors around me seemed waaaay more vivid yet slightly hazy and then I felt/saw the slit in my chest, just to the right of my heart open up and let out this beautiful bluish white light.
I was so freaked out that people on the bus might notice and that's when it stopped all of a sudden. I sat their for a second just thinking "WhoaH", and then the smile came across my face. I look forward to exploring this further.

On another topic W has been talking to me again. It is really freaking me out how important this woman is to me. How much she means to me. A part of me is screaming that I am making a mistake in letting someone effect me like this. Yet another, calmer side smiles and gives me permission to walk into this experience with courage and most of all Love.
When I listen to the part that is screaming I feel guarded, paranoid and lonely. When I listen to the part that gives me permission, I feel vulnerable, exhilarated, fearful, alive and overflowing with love. I think I am going to lean towards the latter.
It remains to be seen whether or not W will ever trust me again, and I am nervous.
There is so much around that, around her.... I'm not sure I can write about it right now.

1 brick at a time.

Today was a very interesting day for me. The first half of my day was hyper focused, uncharacteristically efficient, calm and productive. The second half was exhausting and emotional.

I think this shift from high energy to low through out my entire day and evening is due in part to the fact that I drank a bunch of Matte this morning. My diet has been pretty much nothing but Kichadi, Salads and water for a week at least now. I have not had any coffee either. I think this sudden ingestion of stimulants, albeit even mild ones, caused me to become unbalanced.

The duality that I experienced quit extreme. I woke up at around 8, did my practices, and then got ready for work while sucking down 2 great big mugs of Matte. I cannot stress how focused and efficient I was at work. I am just not used to being like that. Also of note was the fact that my whole pelvis was aching all day. My hip joints and all the viscera in my pelvis where in grinding pain for about a quarter of my day.

Then around 2 o'clock the wind just left my sails and by 5 I thought I was going to pass the fuck out. When I got home tonight I was filled with so much anxiety and grief. At times it was so intense that that I felt like my stomach was cramping.

My housemate A and I seem to be syncing up in some ways. During one of my more painful waves of anxiety I walked into the living room so I could scrunch up on the floor and A was standing at the window looking at the night.
She saw m come in and asked me what was up. I told her that I had anxiety rippling through me and that I was walking around to deal with it. She smiled kinda sad like and said it must be a big wave cause I'm feeling the same way.

I really like living here at this new house. Aside from the fact that it is very cold, it is exactly the kind of place I wanted to end up at. It is clean, full of health, intention and care. I love my housemates much as well. I am connecting with them much more closely then I ever did at IK.
I do love it here.
Which is why It pains me that I might have to move out in a few months. This house is apparently going to be sold. I asked for my Karma, and I seem to be getting it.
So much change and turmoil.

As I'm typing now I feel a little better. I did my practices and they always ground me out. Writing like this and externalizing is very helpful as well.

Now I sleep.

I look forward to my dreams tonight.

Bless

Head like a whole

Mornings are now my least favorite thing in the world.

Evry morning I wake up, the very first thing I feel is a loss in my life. A hole in my chest. Every morning I have to pull myself together. I am trying to keep W out of my head.

She is there almost all of the time. I am telling myself to remember that in some ways it is about her, but in many way it is just energy. If I just focus on her when I feel that hole then It will take much longer to fill that hole with my own energy, my own life.

One thing that this process has brought up for me is a very powerfull question.

What do I WANT?

So far only three things have really come to my attention.

1- I want to be playing a real instrument. I want to feel music coming out of my body instead of intelectualizing it and sculpting it on a computer.

2- I want to do some work with my hands. I dont know what just yet though. My job is so NOT grounding. i want to include an activity ion my life that is going to help me stay grounded. The first thought that I had was gardening, the second was some kind of construction. Thats all I really have on that for now.

3- I want oout of the city. I have lived in cities m y whole life and I would like a change. I want to live somplace more full of life. Out of the USA would be prefereable, but out of the bay would be very good.

These are truths that have come clear for me so far. I talked with a good friend yesterday and he spoke of opening yourself to opportunity. I am open for those 3 things to come into my life. I am open to opportunity.

On a different jubeject, I just got my very first Neti Pot. I am going to try it out today. I look forward to being able to breath clearly through my nose.

Stay in the present!

So I feel grounded.

Inside is a roiling storm of ...emotional fuckin crazyness, but I am able for the moment to keep it at bay with my will.

I look back at how I have acted and the shame that I feel streangthens the turmoil within. It is a hrad place to be. I MUST look at my actions, but I cannot fall into that pit again.

I dont know how long this will last, or if I will forget how to maintain this.

Fuck that. I WILL maintain this. I have to figure out how to deal with this monster inside, but I cannot lose control again. I WILL NOT LOSE CONTROL!

The Whali is Chief.

The Rub

Talk about transformation.

Turning thirty has shot my life into hyperspace change. So many connections being severed so fast and so many new realizations and skillz coming to the forfront of my being.

It appears that my relationship of 2 years is coming to an end. I hope that this end will in fact be a new beggining, but for my own sanity Im not putting all my stock in that. This seperation has been so terribly painfull allready. I dont want to drag it out if there is no mutual desire for recapitulation.

My practices are saving my life. The more pain, confusion, fear and loss that I feel in losing W, the more I push the envelope of my meditations and practices. I have never pushed this hard before, and in many ways I am beeing rapidly thrust into a new state of conciousness.

I can see and identify a kind of energetic tumor latched onto me. A beast of a cancer that fosters a poison in me. A poison that creates a feeling of worthlessness and self hatred within me.
Feeling like I have no worth feels totally shitty and whats even worse, is that I end up searching for all this validation from those around me to suplement my own lack of self love, thus draining those who are closest to me.
And then because Im putting all this energy into hiding this terrible insecurity, I end up creating a mask of what I WANT people to see. This mask is supposed to make me appear wise, smart, strong and basically the perfecly awesome dude you all should wanna love forever.

But its all bullshit. I just end up judginmg myself and then subsequently those around me and then feeling isolated and disconnected.

Pretty fucked up huh?

But at least i can see it now. I look forward to excorsissing this demon. It is too bad I had to sacrifice a relationship that I really loved to see this.

I am very gratefull for the time that I did share though.

i can honestly say that had I never walked this path with W, that I never would have reached this new place of self discovery.

I will allways be gratefull for that.