So I feel grounded.
Inside is a roiling storm of ...emotional fuckin crazyness, but I am able for the moment to keep it at bay with my will.
I look back at how I have acted and the shame that I feel streangthens the turmoil within. It is a hrad place to be. I MUST look at my actions, but I cannot fall into that pit again.
I dont know how long this will last, or if I will forget how to maintain this.
Fuck that. I WILL maintain this. I have to figure out how to deal with this monster inside, but I cannot lose control again. I WILL NOT LOSE CONTROL!
The Whali is Chief.
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Sunday, November 26, 2006
The Rub
Talk about transformation.
Turning thirty has shot my life into hyperspace change. So many connections being severed so fast and so many new realizations and skillz coming to the forfront of my being.
It appears that my relationship of 2 years is coming to an end. I hope that this end will in fact be a new beggining, but for my own sanity Im not putting all my stock in that. This seperation has been so terribly painfull allready. I dont want to drag it out if there is no mutual desire for recapitulation.
My practices are saving my life. The more pain, confusion, fear and loss that I feel in losing W, the more I push the envelope of my meditations and practices. I have never pushed this hard before, and in many ways I am beeing rapidly thrust into a new state of conciousness.
I can see and identify a kind of energetic tumor latched onto me. A beast of a cancer that fosters a poison in me. A poison that creates a feeling of worthlessness and self hatred within me.
Feeling like I have no worth feels totally shitty and whats even worse, is that I end up searching for all this validation from those around me to suplement my own lack of self love, thus draining those who are closest to me.
And then because Im putting all this energy into hiding this terrible insecurity, I end up creating a mask of what I WANT people to see. This mask is supposed to make me appear wise, smart, strong and basically the perfecly awesome dude you all should wanna love forever.
But its all bullshit. I just end up judginmg myself and then subsequently those around me and then feeling isolated and disconnected.
Pretty fucked up huh?
But at least i can see it now. I look forward to excorsissing this demon. It is too bad I had to sacrifice a relationship that I really loved to see this.
I am very gratefull for the time that I did share though.
i can honestly say that had I never walked this path with W, that I never would have reached this new place of self discovery.
I will allways be gratefull for that.
Turning thirty has shot my life into hyperspace change. So many connections being severed so fast and so many new realizations and skillz coming to the forfront of my being.
It appears that my relationship of 2 years is coming to an end. I hope that this end will in fact be a new beggining, but for my own sanity Im not putting all my stock in that. This seperation has been so terribly painfull allready. I dont want to drag it out if there is no mutual desire for recapitulation.
My practices are saving my life. The more pain, confusion, fear and loss that I feel in losing W, the more I push the envelope of my meditations and practices. I have never pushed this hard before, and in many ways I am beeing rapidly thrust into a new state of conciousness.
I can see and identify a kind of energetic tumor latched onto me. A beast of a cancer that fosters a poison in me. A poison that creates a feeling of worthlessness and self hatred within me.
Feeling like I have no worth feels totally shitty and whats even worse, is that I end up searching for all this validation from those around me to suplement my own lack of self love, thus draining those who are closest to me.
And then because Im putting all this energy into hiding this terrible insecurity, I end up creating a mask of what I WANT people to see. This mask is supposed to make me appear wise, smart, strong and basically the perfecly awesome dude you all should wanna love forever.
But its all bullshit. I just end up judginmg myself and then subsequently those around me and then feeling isolated and disconnected.
Pretty fucked up huh?
But at least i can see it now. I look forward to excorsissing this demon. It is too bad I had to sacrifice a relationship that I really loved to see this.
I am very gratefull for the time that I did share though.
i can honestly say that had I never walked this path with W, that I never would have reached this new place of self discovery.
I will allways be gratefull for that.
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