Insights through change.

So looking back over the last few weeks, I am a bit in awe. I have never experienced such a fast and traumatic shifting in my life.
I can say with total surety that I am glad that it happened. I am not happy about how I acted, nor am I happy at the way that I made some good people feel bad.
I can't beat myself up when I make mistakes through growth. Now I am moving on and picking up the pieces, trying to heal any damage done using the new insights and skills that I have been learning.

I cant help but notice how the change in my practices coincides with what happened in my relationship, job and overall life.
The practices that I am dedicated to are ultimately designed to pull, store and consciously use the energy that is all around and within me.
The decisions that I made that lead to the drama of the last few weeks all coincide with times that I had dramatically upped the challenge level of my practices. Taking on exercises that had been too intimidating in the past. Pushing my discipline further, stretching my internal limits.
Now, looking at the breakdown I experienced and overlaying the timing of my practices I can see certain results of the correlation.

I feel like I have more energy right now due to the discipline In my practices and in my diet. This new energy is feeding my capability to be aware around me. So I am seeing patterns in my life much more clearly then before, while also noticing new aspects that I was unaware of before.

Specifically; Relationship has a whole new meaning to me right now. There is a new level of fear that I have in relating to those around me. Not a fear of judgment or abandonment that was the norm in the past, but a fear of the overall responsibility that is required in relating to another. Seeing how much work and attention it takes to truly take another person in. I have had a number of experiences in the last week where I have just been in awe of another person. I will be listening to someone and instead of being in my head thinking about something else, I am enchanted. I cant STOP listening. Like I am learning to listen for the first time and I am so fucking grateful. I feel so connected.
Also their is a new fear around what vulnerability is to me. I am terrified of this new realization on how vulnerable I am actually capable of letting myself be, without freaking out.
This new sensation of letting a part of me fully open to be seen as well as to pour blue/white light out into my reality is fucking Freeeeeekeeeeaaay! ..... And I like it:).
I experienced it for the first time, viscerally, on the fucking bus!. I'm sitting there following my fear inside, trying to see the root and then something fucking weird happened. My fear turned into terror, my whole body felt like it was buzzing, all the colors around me seemed waaaay more vivid yet slightly hazy and then I felt/saw the slit in my chest, just to the right of my heart open up and let out this beautiful bluish white light.
I was so freaked out that people on the bus might notice and that's when it stopped all of a sudden. I sat their for a second just thinking "WhoaH", and then the smile came across my face. I look forward to exploring this further.

On another topic W has been talking to me again. It is really freaking me out how important this woman is to me. How much she means to me. A part of me is screaming that I am making a mistake in letting someone effect me like this. Yet another, calmer side smiles and gives me permission to walk into this experience with courage and most of all Love.
When I listen to the part that is screaming I feel guarded, paranoid and lonely. When I listen to the part that gives me permission, I feel vulnerable, exhilarated, fearful, alive and overflowing with love. I think I am going to lean towards the latter.
It remains to be seen whether or not W will ever trust me again, and I am nervous.
There is so much around that, around her.... I'm not sure I can write about it right now.