Head like a whole

Mornings are now my least favorite thing in the world.

Evry morning I wake up, the very first thing I feel is a loss in my life. A hole in my chest. Every morning I have to pull myself together. I am trying to keep W out of my head.

She is there almost all of the time. I am telling myself to remember that in some ways it is about her, but in many way it is just energy. If I just focus on her when I feel that hole then It will take much longer to fill that hole with my own energy, my own life.

One thing that this process has brought up for me is a very powerfull question.

What do I WANT?

So far only three things have really come to my attention.

1- I want to be playing a real instrument. I want to feel music coming out of my body instead of intelectualizing it and sculpting it on a computer.

2- I want to do some work with my hands. I dont know what just yet though. My job is so NOT grounding. i want to include an activity ion my life that is going to help me stay grounded. The first thought that I had was gardening, the second was some kind of construction. Thats all I really have on that for now.

3- I want oout of the city. I have lived in cities m y whole life and I would like a change. I want to live somplace more full of life. Out of the USA would be prefereable, but out of the bay would be very good.

These are truths that have come clear for me so far. I talked with a good friend yesterday and he spoke of opening yourself to opportunity. I am open for those 3 things to come into my life. I am open to opportunity.

On a different jubeject, I just got my very first Neti Pot. I am going to try it out today. I look forward to being able to breath clearly through my nose.